Feeling frazzled? Check.
Feeling torn? Check.
Feeling exhausted? Check.
Feeling resentful? Check.
If you’re anything like me or pretty-much-most-people-I-know, you have a hell of a time saying no to people: to invitations for parties and dinners and lunch dates, to requests for favors and chores and meetings, to your partner or your children or your boss or your closest friends (heck, even to people who don’t have a giant role in your life).
If you’re anything like me or pretty-much-most-people-I-know, you have a hell of a time finding time. I joke often that my schedule is like a game of Tetris, trying to find an hour here or there to do one more thing or see one more person. But when I feel like I barely see my husband during the week or I have to wait nearly a month to have coffee with a girlfriend, or sometimes longer for a catch-up call with my besties on either coast (hiiiii guys!)? It’s a joke that isn’t really all that funny.
If you’re anything like me or pretty-much-most-people-I-know, you’ve created a life in which you are BUSY AF.
Many of us are busy AF doing things that we love. And many of us are busy AF doing things that we don’t love (or even like very much). And many of us are doing both, which means we’re, like, really busy.
You will never find time unless you make it. It’s been said that the busiest and most successful people in our society (think The President (at least for a few more days), Oprah, Beyoncé) all have exactly the same amount of minutes in their 24 hours. I’d bet money that these folks are super duper protective of their time and picky about how they spend their precious minutes. They prioritize and focus on what’s important to them and say “no” to the rest all the time. Why should you be any different?
How do you decide when to say “no?” This is one of the things I’m working on myself this year. It involves frequent check-ins and reappraisals of how I’m spending my time and energy and how both of those expenditures feel. This idea is fully inspired by the work of Danielle LaPorte, who teaches to identify how you want to feel (“core desired feelings”), and then to take actions that will get you closer to your goal of feeling a particular way. But even if you don’t have your core desired feelings identified, most of us can tell when something (a request, an invitation) feels positive or negative. Upon first hearing or reading it, how does it feel to you? Exciting, promising, interesting, intriguing? Boring, uncomfortable, exhausting, downright dreadful? Maybe you know right away if it’s a BIG YES or a BIG NO. And there you have it.
If you can’t tell immediately, sit with it before committing, maybe even for 24 hours if possible. Take past experiences and your own nature into account if possible. For instance, over the years, I’ve come to accept (and adore) my introverted nature. When I spend all week with clients (whom I also adore), I’m pretty beat by the weekend and need to recharge. I’ve learned from commitments from countless Fridays past that Friday evenings generally don’t work for me; even if it’s something that feels pretty yes-like when I commit, by the time that night comes, literally ALL I want to do is stay home.
Here’s the main thing: with so much going on in my life, I simply do not have time to be doing shit I don’t want to do. 
(If you’re thinking that’s easy for me to say, especially as a self-employed lady without little people, I would say to you that a) yes, because that is how I’ve designed my current life, and b) having a family is all the more reason to be very careful with your non-necessary, non-BIG-YES time expenditures!)
Thoughts… I’d encourage you to think twice before you say “yes,” to check in with your self and with your feelings. See how sweet it feels to say “no,” to be protective of your time, to spend it doing things you love, and to spend it more in keeping with how you want to feel, not with what you think you should do. Remember that it’s OK to say “no,” that doing so is an act of self-care and self-love, and that you don’t owe anyone an explanation or apology for this.
Do you, my sweet friends. Because really, at the end of the day, that’s the most important thing.
For more on self-care, check out my posts on The Importance of Self-Care and 75 Ideas for Sweet Self-Care!
