As I sit down to write this, my heart has been feeling pretty heavy. I’ve also been tired; not the tired you’d expect from multiple nights of poor sleep, but the tired you get when you are feeling totally spent. Depleted. Empty. Out of gas. Like, there literally feels like there is no more of you left.
I logically understand what is going on with me. Over the years, I have developed enough self-awareness to 
recognize when I am “off” and to figure out what’s behind it. My own personal signs for “when” include getting snappy with my husband, getting annoyed with everysingeperson I encounter, feeling overwhelm at the simplest house chore, getting frustrated and losing my mind and bursting into tears about the dumbest stuff. This has been happening for sure. I have had some pretty crappy days.
And then I do some detective work. There are some facts over the past few weeks: I am really effing sad and angry and scared about the state of our country, and it feels like my energetic pendulum swings fully from hopeless and helpless to fired up and inspired every 15 minutes. I have been in the midst of a few personal situations that have felt just too much at times, and able-to-be-let-go-of at others (Serenity Prayer in full effect). I have been working an awful lot, and up until a few weeks ago, had totally overloaded my schedule with other things as well. I love, love, love my work, but it also takes a lot out of me sometimes; especially when I’m not refilling my tank.
I’d bet you a million bucks that you can relate. That most of you can relate to this right now and are feeling the same or worse.
But over the years, I’ve also learned how I used behaviors and people in the past to deal or not deal with feeling really, really crappy, sad, angry, or overwhelmed. Here’s a non-exhaustive but pretty comprehensive list of what I tried back then, often over and over (and over) again and here is what has never, ever been helpful: using alcohol and/or drugs to wake me up and/or numb me out and/or black me out and/or just get me through the day; sleeping my days away; ignoring my physical and emotional signs and pretending everything is awesome (and filling my schedule 24/7 so I wouldn’t have time to question that); smoking cigarettes to calm me down and/or ease my anxiety; eating all the food (and then going to get more); not eating any of the food because I ate all the food before; exercising until my body breaks; escaping with 6-16 hours of television (and/or social media) in one day; distracting myself with (ahem, obsessing over) dysfunctional relationships with unhealthy and/or unsupportive people; and picking fights about things that didn’t really matter with people who really do. (Note that I say none of this was helpful. I didn’t say it was ineffective!)
This is the shit that made me feel OOC bonkers. This is the shit that just depleted me even more and set in motion a pretty vicious cycle. Like robbing Peter to pay Paul (is that how it goes?). Maybe some of the things on this list look pretty extreme to you (I’ve always been an overachiever, y’know?). Maybe you can relate to some of the other things. Maybe you’re recognizing that you have your own ways of dealing or not dealing and some of them aren’t on my personal list.
Regardless…
When you reach a point where you have nothing left, energetically, emotionally, or mentally, a few things must happen. The first is to realize it; to acknowledge it for what it is and what it feels like and to actually feel the feels. The second is that you have a decision to make and the decision can be loving toward yourself or not-so-loving. I teach my clients to regularly assess where they are with this, to proactively check in with how full their tank is in the hopes that they can fill it back up before they hit ‘E.’ Getting into this habit is an important act of self-care, and taking self-care is an important act of self-love and love to others. Because the world needs you on a full tank. Your family, your friends, your co-workers, your clients? They need you on a full tank and you have a responsibility to do what it takes to fill it; ideally before you lose your shit.
I’d encourage you to make a list (doitrightnow) of all the things you can do, all the actions you can take, to refuel
and recharge, especially on your crappiest of days. Keep it somewhere you’ll see it, so that you can do these things on the regular and refer to it when you don’t know what else to do.
So, what have I done differently in the past few weeks? Clearing out some time was a biggie (and it continues to be one of my greatest challenges). I made sure to get my ass to yoga more than usual (restorative, Yoga Nidra, and Kundalini; I did not add any additional exercise to my calendar because I don’t like it when my body breaks.). I baked some healthy treats to avoid the lure of processed sugar in my weak state (haha, but for serious). I set up a few dates with my sweet friends. I accepted my man’s offer to leave the house for a few hours after he set up the coziest blankets on the couch so I could indulge in a rare TV treat (two episodes of The Blacklist that I DVR’ed last fall!). I took a break for days from scrolling through my Facebook account, because I just had to. I took a break from immersing myself in books about mental health and alcohol and food and instead listened to some audio autobiographies (of an adolescent hero (musician Kim Gordon), Wild (finally), and Nelson Mandela’s 27-hour incredible history; talk about inspiration). And I booked the crap out of the available services at our local massage school clinic.
Anyway. Here is my list. Here are things that I need and/or I know will help refill my tank:
- Connection (someone to talk to by phone or by face)
- Rest (naps, more nighttime sleep, just chillin’ on the couch)
- Comfy clothes
- Relaxation and calm throughout the day, on the reg (deep breaths, meditation, mindfulness)
- Night at home, alone or together, and quality time with doggie
- Nourishing and delicious food
- To steer clear of booze
- To go to bed early
- A more tidy or more organized or more beautiful or more soothing living space
- Pleasure and enjoyment (sexual or otherwise)
- To say no to plans or obligations, or gracefully back out of them
- To move my body because I want to (not because I ate all the food)
- To get into nature
- A day off from work
- A favor from someone that will free up some of my time
- A treat that feels fun or special (including responsible amounts of magazines or TV!)
- A really good book
- Self-care appointments (facials, massages, mani/pedis)
- Clearing my schedule ahead of time
- Permission (to do all these things)
(This list may look similar to my 75 Ideas for Sweet Self-Care list. There’s a reason for that, get it?)
